Cultivating Confidence

One definition of confidence is “as a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities”. It is a state that can come and go, and not necessarily present for every moment of every day. However, there are steps you can take to cultivate more confidence. In this blog post we provide an overview of factors that influence self-esteem levels and strategies for enhancing confidence.  

Factors that Influence Confidence Levels 

It is common to struggle with negative self-perceptions, and we also know many of these influences can be beyond one’s control.  

Genetics 

There is research that highlights the genetic influence on personality development, including personality traits linked to confidence. Additionally, some studies highlight how women are more socialized to worry about how they are perceived. 

Life Experiences 

Sometimes, it is life experiences that can lead one to feel unsure or inadequate. One we see often as clinicians is trauma. Depending on the type of trauma, one can feel ashamed, guilty or at fault for their experience which can influence multiple life domains.  

Family of origin can also influence confidence. The type of parent/child attachment may shed light on your situation. For example, did you grow up in a household that was critical or harsh? You may have unconsciously formed beliefs relating to your capacity to do well or feel confident in your abilities.  

Peer influence, such as bullying or harassment can also have negative effects on confidence and worth.  

In this age of technology, social media is widely used by both children and adults. While there are certainly benefits to social media, such as connnection, indivdiuals may also find themselves comparing themselves to others. It can be helpful to remember that social media is not always an accurate representation of how someone is feeling or their “success”. Social media is a curated platform of people’s best moments.  

Setting Goals 

“Gaining more confidence” is a great starting goal! However, due to how broad the goal is, it can be overhwleming to think about how to tackle this. Breaking down the larger goal into more specific, and measurable action items is a helpful first step. Here are some questions below to start thinking more about this: 

What have I avoided because I have not felt confident? 

What fears/thoughts/beliefs hold me back or keep me stuck? 

When do I feel most confident? 

What would I pursue if I felt more confident? 

Identifying Strengths 
 
We all have strengths, but sometimes we are our toughest critic. A helpful exercise can be to identify personal strengths. What do you do well with? What is some positive feedback have you received from others? What is a challenge you were able to accomplish? Has there been a time you were able to help someone else?  
 

Self-Compassion 

Just as we all have strengths, we all have weaknesses. NO ONE IS PERFECT. But it is how we perceive our weaknesses that is key. We will explore the growth vs fixed mindset to illustrate this. Fixed mindset is a belief that our capabilities are set in stone. It can limit us, and impact us from discovering our potential. Growth mindset accounts forr effort and attitude, which can impact what you can accomplish and views challenges as opportunities. 

Fixed Mindset Growth Mindset 

“I’ll never be good enough”            “What else can I try? 

“She’s able to do ___________”    “What can I learn from her?” 

“It didn’t work”        “I can use a new strategy” 

Self-compassion involves being kind to ourselves or others when things are difficult. Dr. Kristin Neff is a pioneer in this line of work and identified three components of self-compassion. The first is kindness when we “fail” or feel inadequate, versus judgement. The second component is common humanity, recognizing that all humans experience suffering and we are all vulnerable and imperfect. The last is mindfulness, which involves observing thoughts and feelings from a non-judgemental lense, without trying to suppress or deny these.  

Coping with strong emotions 

A helpful component to feeling more confident in ourselves, is feeling more in control to respond to our thoughts and emotions. During moments when we are anxious, intimidated, or fearful, calming the body can calm the mind and set you up for greater success. 

Mindfulness- Practicing observing and noticing, without getting hooked on thoughts can be challenging! We recommend starting small with mindful activities. This can be incorporated into something you are already doing, such as when you are taking a shower, ONLY take a shower. Notice how the water feels, how the soap smells etc… Notice if thoughts arise, such as “what’s on my to do list today?”, “Did I email them back?”, “I need to run an errand”…bring yourself back to the moment and engage in the task. There are also several phone apps with guided meditation or imagery that can help ground oneself to the present moment.  

Progressive muscle relaxation- This skill involves tensing and releasing various muscle groups to reduce physical tension. This can be used for a variety of concerns including anxiety, anger, or sleep difficulties.  

Movement- There is countless research that highlights the benefits of exercise and gentle movements. Committing to daily acts of this can buffer against the intensity of symptoms. Whether it’s a walk around the block, combining mindfulness with yoga, or HITT, find something that is manageable and enjoyable. 

Managing critical thoughts 

A core component of CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) is to examine thoughts and their accuracy. Specifically, it is helpful to “catch” the presence of automatic thoughts, which are typically distorted and negative. *Check out a previous blog post where we go more in depth about unhelpful thinking patterns. 

Here are some examples of unhelpful thinking patterns related to confidence 

Assumptions/Fortune Telling--- “Why bother trying, I won’t get the job”. “He hasn’t responded to my texts; he probably doesn’t want to go on a date with me” 

Should statements- “I should be farther along in my life” 

All or nothing thinking- “If I don’t land this promotion, I’m the worst employee” 

Catastrophizing- “I’ll never find a partner and be forever alone and miserable” 

The first step in this process is to notice and catch when an automatic thought arises. You can then label it as such. It is then helpful to begin to identify evidence to support this thought. Why do I believe this to be true? How much is this thought true? Remember: thoughts aren’t facts! Reframing the automatic thought involves describing a situation in a more balanced way using facts and evidence. This can be difficult to think about your thinking. A thought record is a great CBT tool to practice this.  

And like most things, with practice comes progress!