Mental Load of Parenting

What is meant by the “mental load” of parenting? The mental load involves the cognitive effort that goes into the daily responsibilities required of parenting and keeping up with a household/family. This invisible labor includes all the details involved in day-to-day tasks, the decision making, the responsibilities, both big and small. Simply put, the mental load involves all the thinking-related tasks, such as remembering, planning, organizing, observing, researching… you name it! The mental load can be considered “invisible” because it involves what you can’t see –all the thinking ahead, remembering and knowing the many things that need to be done to keep a family and household running smoothly.

Research shows that, despite many families being comprised of two parents that work outside of the home and earn income, most of the childcare/housework still primarily falls on the shoulders of mothers. Research also tends to show that fathers tend to be able to spend more time on leisure than mothers. We know from research that women tend to worry more about childcare than men when they are both away from their children during the day (hence the mental load!)

Of course, this is not the case for every partnership, and it there will definitely be instances in which fathers bear the brunt of the mental load and house work. This could also look similar/different for homosexual couples who parent together. Whichever way it is, we offer some insights for how to know if you’re the one carrying more of the weight, some consequences of an unequal sharing of this load, and practical strategies for making things more equitable.

What are some signs that you may be carrying the majority of the “mental load” in your partnership?

1. You’re the one who must remember. Remembering to make those well visits with your children’s pediatrician, remembering there’s a school fundraiser on Tuesday, remembering you’re almost out of diapers and need to re-order, remembering to defrost meat for tomorrow’s dinner, remembering your child’s daycare is closed next Monday, the list is endless. It goes on… and on… and on. If you are the one who typically must remember and keep track of these day-to-day nuances, this may be a sign that you’re carrying a lot more of the mental load.

2. You do most of the “research.” Researching childcare options, school curriculums, medical specialists, sports activities for your kids, typical vs. atypical development for children… if you’re the one who’s doing the bulk of the research for the many things parenting requires thinking/worrying about, this is another sign you may bear the brunt of the mental load.

3. You’re usually the planner and organizer. Planning celebrations, family gatherings, organizing playdates, donating old clothes, and organizing new ones, planning for meals and fun events… parenting is A LOT of planning and organizing! If you’re the one who does a lot of that, again… chances are, you’re carrying the heavier part of the mental load.

4. You’re keeping track of the day-to-day tasks – making sure homework is done, papers are signed, meals are prepared, laundry is ready, etc. There are tons of daily tasks to remember. If you’re the one managing to get most of these things done and account for them, you’re likely carrying more of the load.

What are some consequences of carrying the mental load?

When one person is carrying most of the mental load on their own, it can be extremely heavy and draining. It involves an excessive amount of cognitive effort, memory, and overall responsibility. Below are some consequences to this.

1. Burnout. As discussed in a previous blog, burnout can be defined as mental/emotional exhaustion that results from being overworked and overwhelmed with details, tasks, and responsibilities. It is often described in terms of overwhelm from the workplace but most definitely can result from the mental load of parenting. Burnout in this sense can entail never being able to catch up or keep up with life’s incessant demands. It can lead to a pessimistic outlook, feelings of irritability, relationship problems, overall life satisfaction, and in more severe cases, mental illness including a diagnosable mental health condition.

2. Resentment of partner. Burnout from the mental load can lead to poorer marital satisfaction as this inequality in marriage is unhealthy for partnerships. People are less likely to feel happy and valued in their marriage if they feel swamped with most of the responsibility and day to day tasks. Having to carry out the never ending to do lists in one’s head can lead one to feel resentful of their partner who may not bear so much responsibility. In a sense, the partner who feels more responsible for household management may feel they have less freedom and time for self-care than the partner who does not.

3. Physical and emotional exhaustion. This article is focused on the mental load of parenting, without mention of the physical exhaustion that comes from having to carry out these endless to-do lists. Also unmentioned is the feelings of exhaustion from carrying the “emotional labor” which involves being the one who listens, comforts, and problem solves. This can naturally lead to feeling physically and emotionally exhausted!

4. Mental health challenges such as anxiety/depressed mood. Trying to think of it all, do it all, and juggle it all can be extremely depleting and overwhelming. Those who carry the mental load have a difficult time setting boundaries, knowing how/when to set limits, or delegate tasks to their partner or other supports. With this comes a sense of reduced control, which can spiral into a sense of reduced motivation, feeling unrewarded, feeling anxious and overwhelmed, and disturbed sleep. Over time, these experiences and symptoms can result in depressed mood or clinical levels of anxiety requiring treatment.

5. Decreased focus/prioritizing of self-care. Naturally there is only so much time in a day/week, and if one is constantly bombarded by tasks, it may mean that self-care activities get placed on the back burner. It may be difficult or tiring to even think of, plan for, or organize your own self-care when you’re so preoccupied managing everyone/everything else.

Looking for some tips to share the mental load?

1. Communicate openly with your partner about your needs.

2. Set boundaries!– delegate when possible, DO LESS when feasible.

3. Prioritize your self-care, no matter what.

4. Identify your strengths and your partner’s strengths – and work together to find a balance.

5. Accept help when it is offered to you, and let go of guilt.