Attachment Theory: What It Is and What It Means For Your Relationships
Humans are social beings and gravitate towards connection, especially during early years when connection to a caregiver is necessary to survive. There is a lot of research that suggests a connection between our attachment with our early caregivers, and our attachment to a romantic partner later in life. While this blog post only scratches the surface of attachment literature, we hope this will assist you in exploring your own relationships and strengthening these connections.
What is attachment/attachment theory?
Attachment is the strong emotional bond that an infant forms with a caregiver that helps to facilitate emotional and social development. Notable researcher, John Bowlby, spent much of his career studying the relationship between infant and child, and in particular, the anxiety that children experience when separated from their primary caregiver. Bowlby’s research suggested that primary caregivers who are accessible and consistently respond to an infant’s needs allow the child to develop a sense of security. The infant knows that the caregiver is dependable, which creates a secure base for the child to then explore the world.
Research has shown that individuals who can form secure attachments to a caregiver have higher levels of self-esteem as they progress through the lifespan. These children also tend to display increased independence, academic achievement, and more successful social relationships. On the other hand, children who are unable to form secure bonds may exhibit more anxious, fearful or withdrawn behaviors in social relationships.
It is important to note that attachment styles are not always exclusively formed as a result of the initial relationship with a caregiver. While it can be a strong influence, it is possible that individuals who had secure bonds with caregivers do not have a secure attachment style due to other factors and influences. Examples include trauma/bullying experiences, mental health conditions (i.e., anxiety), grief/loss etc...
What are the different attachment styles?
Anxious: Desire and seek closeness from partner, but experiences fear that partner may not desire to be as close as they would like. An anxiously attached individual may find themselves spending a lot of time thinking or ruminating about the relationship and the quality of it. Sometimes there is increased sensitivity to fluctuations in partners behaviors or mood, as it is often interpreted as something “wrong” or threatening to the dynamic. Common responses when feeling anxious include reassurance seeking from partner, or protest behaviors (discussed in a later section of this blog).
Secure: Securely attached individuals have trusting and warm relationships, without excessive fear of rejection, abandonment or vulnerability. Securely attached individuals can effectively communicate needs and feelings and are able to tend to their partners' needs and feelings. This type of partner is reliable and consistent.
Avoidant: These individuals prioritize independence over intimate relationships. Individuals desire closeness and connection, yet are fearful of this, worrying it might interfere with their independence and autonomy. Distancing strategies are commonly used in this dynamic, which can send mixed signals due to conflicting wants/needs.
*As you read these, you might identify parts of each attachment style that resonate with you. It is not uncommon for people to have a blend of attachment styles. You might also notice that attachment can vary based on the relationship type (professional, romantic, platonic).
What are signs/indicators of the various attachment styles?
Protest Behaviors: Common behavioral responses in anxiously attached individuals. These are attempts to re-establish connection when feeling anxious, insecure or to gain increased attention. Some common behaviors include: calling/testing many times for reassurance, withdrawing and ignoring to obtain a response, hostility, threatening to leave the relationship, attempting to make partner feel jealous etc...
Deactivating Strategies: A thought or behavior aimed at reducing feelings of vulnerability, common amongst avoidant-attached individuals. Engagement in these suppresses the attachment system, which is the mechanism associated with connection and closeness. Some common strategies include: focusing on flaws in your partner, flirting with others, not saying “I love you”, pulling away when things are going well etc..
Decreased sensitivity: Securely attached individuals are less sensitive to negative cues and “threats” to the relationship. This may present as: being skilled in conflict resolution, mentally flexible, comfortable with closeness, able to engage in process of forgiveness, treating partners with respect, and confidence in abilities to improve and maintain the relationship.
Can I change my attachment style?
The short answer is yes! Awareness of our early attachment, and significant life events that may have influenced our belief system, provides valuable information. We encourage you to self-reflect on your views on intimacy, the way you respond to conflict, communication skills and expectations from your partner/of the relationship. Are there patterns that appear across multiple relationships? Here we will expand upon key areas that can facilitate change in your relationships:
Communication:
Interpersonal effectiveness involves skillfully interacting with others. Direct communication can assist in asking clearly for what you need or making a request. Modeling appropriate communication may also elicit a similar dynamic from your partner, so that you can clearly understand your partner's needs.
Conflict:
This is inevitable in all relationships. It is not the occurrence of a conflict that is worrisome, but how we respond to it. We will explore four common problematic responses to conflict:
Criticism involves an attack on your partner (versus voicing a specific complaint in an easy-going manner)
Contempt involves attacking your partners character (either by disrespect, invalidating, mocking or sarcasm)
Defensiveness is a response to criticism by not taking concerns of a partner seriously or accountability for a mistake/their role
Stonewalling is in response to contempt where a partner withdraws from the interaction and shuts down
Remedies to Conflict:
- Avoiding “you” and replacing with “I” statements
- Express gratitude and respect to cultivate appreciation and buffer strong emotions
- Take responsibility for any part you have in the conflict
- Take a break when arousal levels are high (try a distraction technique or self-soothing), and then revisit the conversation
Acting as a secure base for your partner:
One component of a secure attachment is creating a “secure base”. This is providing conditions and consistency to our partner so that they feel confident to pursue interests and explore their world. Adopting these behaviors can assist in facilitating that:
- Be available to respond to needs, check in with partner, provide support/soothing when needed
- Support your partner in feeling empowered versus micromanaging, problem solving for your partner, or taking over the situation
- Encourage growth and learning
Additional resources:
We love the book Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find--and Keep—Love. This details the various attachment styles and strategies for cultivating more secure bonds, incorporating relevant scientific research.
Gottman Institute has an informative blog section on all things relationships! Check it out here: https://www.gottman.com/blog/