Relationship Dynamics: Green & Red Flags
Relationships are complex. Even the strongest of relationships will experience highs and lows, and conflict to some degree. It’s a common misconception that relationships are supposed to be effortless and if they require too much work, it’s not the right fit or something is inherently wrong. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the presence of conflict that determines whether or not a relationship is likely to thrive, but how it’s managed and repaired over time that is significant. Let’s explore healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics further and discuss ways of spotting relationship “green and red flags.”
What are some characteristics of a healthy relationship?
Communication. Open communication is vital for relationships to be sustainable. Being able to openly communicate your thoughts, feelings, needs and desires to your partner is critical to sustain a healthy relationship. Many partners who seek couples therapy will present with a goal of improving communication as it is embedded in the everyday interactions and issues that arise in partnerships. It is important to recognize your partner’s communication style and find ways to openly share and receive information/feedback.
Trust. Relationships require mutual trust by both parties in order to thrive. Trust is foundational for a healthy relationship as life is full of uncertainty and security is vital to ensure both partners feel safe. A trusting relationship involves two parties that can rely on one another to meet their needs. Trust is built by showing your partner you are dependable and reliable, and by demonstrating consistent consideration and care. Trust also involves showing mutual respect for one another’s boundaries and refraining from attempts to control/monitor each other’s behavior.
Boundaries. Healthy relationships require each partner has boundaries in place that are honored by the other partner. Boundaries come in many forms and may include emotional, physical, intellectual, sexual, and time related boundaries. Having healthy boundaries in intimate relationships can look like demonstrating respect for difference in opinions, asking permission, honesty, and taking accountability. Respecting personal space and honoring your partner’s limits is vital to long-term relationship viability. Anything that violates your partner’s limits or options can contribute to boundary related conflict.
It’s important to note that boundaries may shift in relationships during periods of transition, such as moving, starting a new job, having children, experiencing a major loss, etc. Revisiting the topic of boundaries often and repeating your needs around boundaries is therefore helpful.
Compromise. As noted above, conflict is inevitable in relationships. It is important that partners in committed relationships understand that it is unrealistic to expect to agree on everything, as no two people are the same. This is where compromise comes in. Compromise should come from a place of good intent, should generally feel fair to both parties, even if neither or both parties are 100% satisfied. In order to compromise, a couple will need open communication to elicit discussions on what each may need and value, to find a middle ground. Compromise should feel mutual and should honor boundaries of both parties.
Autonomy. There is a common misconception that partners should feel their partner “completes” them. Ironically, maintaining a strong sense of autonomy is a necessary component for healthy intimacy. While it is wonderful to depend on your partner and share most of your lives together, personal space, interests, and opinions are valuable for everyone in a healthy relationship. To the contrary, having too much independence may block intimacy. Therefore, relationships require a healthy balance of both togetherness and independence.
On the contrary, what are some indicators of unhealthy relationship dynamics?
Phrases including “love bombing”, “gaslighting” and “narcissist” have become buzz words in discussing dating and relationships…. but what do these actually mean?
“Love Bombing”is a term used to describe an individual who makes grand gestures with a new partner and maintains constant contact to gain an upper hand in the relationship. While acts of kindness and displays of affection aren’t inherently “bad”, in some cases they are meant to manipulate the environment to look like the individual is the “perfect” partner. This may present as a partner who gives expensive gifts soon into the relationship or books lavish vacations and excursions to sweep the partner off their feet. Over time, this may lead the partner to feel dependent and reliant on the partner, both mentally and emotionally. While some individuals really do hit it off from the beginning of a relationship, we may want to be skeptical of someone who is displaying excessive admiration and tokens of affection very early on.
“Gaslighting”is a form of manipulation in which one partner tries to gain power and control over the other (in the form of emotional abuse). This leads the partner to question reality and their experiences of things. Examples include statements such as, “I’m doing this because I love you”, “it’s all in your head”, “you’re just insecure”, “that never happened”.
Other controlling behaviors can include limitations on who you can/can’t talk to, places or events you are able to go, how money is spent or allocated, the type of clothes you wear, monitoring your whereabouts, intimidation etc..
These tactics can lead one to feel anxious and/or insecure in the relationship.When an individual develops an anxious attachment to their partner, an intense fear of being alone is usually present. As a result, they will begin to crave emotional intimacy, and become preoccupied with obtaining love and maintaining the relationship.
Narcissism - Although the term “narcissism” is used casually, it is actually in reference to an actual clinical diagnosis of a specific personality disorder (i.e., Narcissistic Personality Disorder; NPD). Characteristics of this diagnosis include a pattern of grandiosity, strong need for admiration by others and a pervasive lack of empathy. The sense of entitlement, in conjunction with a lack of sensitivity to others’ feelings and needs, can result in exploitation of others. There can also be a deep need for admiration present which may make it difficult for these individuals to have regard for other people’s feelings and experiences. As noted above, gaslighting and love bombing may also be present in relationships with someone living with NPD.
Sometimes unhealthy relationship dynamics are clear, and other times they can be subtle. Mindfulness of components of a healthy relationship can be beneficial when choosing a partner or evaluating your relationships. As referenced above, these components would include things like trust, honesty, open communication, conflict resolution skills, ability for needs to be met etc…When we feel supported by our partner in a relationship, this serves as a secure base for us to explore our own interests, goals, and relationships, leading to increased relationship satisfaction.
Also of note, abuse of any kind in a relationship (physical, sexual, emotional, etc) threatens the safety and integrity of the partnership and is always considered a red flag. Additionally, substance use by one or both partners can increase the likelihood of intimate partner violence and other red flag behaviors in the relationship.
***SAFETY FIRST: We understand that leaving a relationship is not always a realistic option due to safety, especially when research shows multiple forms of abuse generally occur at the same time. There are also reasons why someone may continue to stay in the relationship including lack of resources, children (not wanting to disrupt family unit), fear, or shame. When you or a loved one is open to exploring options, a mental health professional or advocacy organization can provide helpful support and assistance. We also recommend the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE