Boundaries, Family Dynamics, and Grief
It’s okay if the holiday season doesn’t always feel so merry and bright. This can be for a variety of reasons, but most commonly it can be related to difficult family relationships and grief. In this blog article, we’ll explore some helpful strategies for managing and taking care of yourself.
What are boundaries?
There are various types of boundaries including physical, time, emotional, intellectual, sexual, etc. Several of these are helpful to reflect on when thinking about boundaries within your family. Emotional boundaries refers to what and how much someone shares about themselves and their feelings. Time boundaries refers to how time is spent and contact with others. Physical boundaries include preferences for physical touch (hugs, handshakes) and appearance. During this time of year it’s easy to get pulled into plans, feel obligated to travel or give gifts, overextend ourselves because we “should” etc…. It can also be particularly challenging if you have different expectations than that of other family members.
How can I set boundaries?
Planning in advance is key. It may be helpful to think of some scenarios or situations that you imagine being difficult. Is it a particular topic or theme? Preparing some statements in advance can help you respond more effectively, instead of on the spot. When communicating a boundary, remember that you can be kind AND advocate for yourself.
“I don’t want to talk about my dating life.”
“I would like you to stop bringing up that situation.”
“I feel uncomfortable when you talk about _______. Let’s change the topic.”
“It’s not appropriate to talk about my weight/appearance.”
“My partner and I will make decisions about parenting”
“I don’t want to argue right now”
“This is not something I'm ready to discuss.”
“We will be staying at a hotel, thank you for your offer”
Challenges with setting boundaries
It’s important to remember that we cannot control every variable. It’s helpful to identify what are non-negotiables and what you can be flexible around. For example, a family member showing up a bit late to the party may be frustrating, especially if you’re coordinating the cooking. However, you may be able to extend some grace and empathy. Aggressive behavior or criticism on the other hand, may be a non-negotiable.
What if there’s pushback?
It’s not uncommon for others to push back against boundaries or become defensive. If this happens, the broken record technique is great one for reinforcing your point. It’s as straight forward as it sounds, continuing repeating the same phrase/boundary. If things persist, you can also leave. Yes….you do not need to remain in a place where you feel uncomfortable EVEN if it’s family. This could be communicated by, “I am going to leave, this is not something that I feel comfortable with”.
What if I feel guilty?
You might. However, it’s important to remember that you can feel guilty AND not have done anything wrong. Boundaries are not mean, they are the foundation of healthy relationships. It is also important to note that boundaries are not ultimatums. Boundaries simply communicate our limits.
You don’t have to do it all
There’s pressure during the holidays to do it all. For some, it involves splitting time between families or houses, travel etc… Remember that it’s okay to leave early, or to say no to an invite. This is your holiday season too.
For parents, it’s particularly helpful to observe when you may start comparing yourself to other families. You may see others on social media celebrating in a particular way, and that may not be feasible or desirable for you. You are still a good parent even if you don’t do the family photo shoot, elf on the shelf, buy all the top presents etc… Remember presence > presents.
When you don’t feel like doing anything at all
Celebrating during grief can feel unimaginable. It’s important to allow space for yourself to acknowledge the sadness and loss. You may be tempted to cancel plans or withdrawal, however, social connection can provide tremendous benefits. For some, it is identifying rituals or traditions, new or old, that can be carried out, to honor your loved one.
Identifying and communicating your needs during this time can also be particularly helpful. Know that your emotions may ebb and flow during this time but you can take care of yourself by honoring your limits and practicing self-compassion.
For more resources on grief, we highly recommend Megan Devine, author of “It’s ok that you’re not ok” and her website which offers helpful content: https://refugeingrief.com