It’s Time to be a Better Friend to Yourself

A previous mentor of mine used to say this statement to encourage self-compassion. It still sticks with me nearly a decade later. When we think about this statement, it brings into question…how nice are we to ourselves? Are your thoughts critical and blaming? Or forgiving and validating? Sometimes we are own toughest critic and may not be fully aware of the impact or internal dialogue has on our emotions and behaviors.

The Basics of Mindfulness

Mindfulness is a skill that encompasses focusing on the present moment. From the DBT perspective it involves the “what” skills: observe, describe, and participate and “how” skills: nonjudgmentally, one- mindfully and effectively. Let’s expand on a few of these concepts and how you can begin to identify more closely the connection between thoughts and feelings. The observe skill involves intentional awareness to the present and noticing both your internal and external experience. Describing involves labeling the observation without interpretations. Non-judgmentally, encourages describing with just the facts.

Putting it into Practice

The first step is observing. We have hundreds and thousands of thoughts a day but are we really paying attention to them? Beginning to observe your automatic thoughts is a helpful first step. Once you can catch negative thoughts about yourself, you can begin to explore the response to these. For example, if you made an error on an assignment at work, a possible automatic thought may be, “Oh no, this is awful!”. It is then common to assign additional meaning to that thought/situation…. that it is awful and because you “messed up”, you think “I’m so stupid”, “I can’t do anything right”, “My coworker would have caught this mistake”. This may lead us to feel anxious or shameful. Using the skills outlined above offers a different approach. Utilizing that same example, you can observe that a mistake is made, and simply describe it as an error. The only facts (things we 100% know to be true) is that an error was made. It is the additional criticism and negative attributes about ourselves that we add, that amplify negative feelings. In the second example, the descriptor of “An error was made” leads us to feel a more neutral response, as opposed to the first example. Now, one reframe will likely not make us feel euphoric or drastically different. However, it is the repeated practice of reframing thoughts to something more balanced and kind, that will have a positive (cumulative) effect.

Judgements and negative language are so intertwined we may not even realize the frequency at which it occurs. We may make statements or have thoughts like “I’m a bad partner”, which can signal that there is a “good” or “right” way to be a partner. “I should be doing more” can lead to feelings of shame or guilt, that is not always justified. One way to respond differently to these thoughts is to describe or narrate the situation. For example, “I’m a bad partner” might be the response to forgetting your significant other’s birthday. A reframe could be, “I feel sad that I forgot their birthday”. It describes the behavior rather than the person. For the example, “I should be doing more” implies the current level of productivity is not satisfactory. A reframe could be, “I desire to cross more things off on my to-do list” or “I will get done what I can today”.

Comparisons

It can be difficult to be compassionate and kind to ourselves when we compare ourselves to others or hold expectations that may not be realistic. Comparisons are usually not a helpful thing! Especially with social media, it’s easy to look at someone’s carefully curated posts and photos and believe you’re not as  ________________________  (fill in the blank with anything…attractive, adventurous, skilled etc…). A helpful technique is to compare yourself to a time when you were struggling. In this type of comparison, you are able to remind yourself of your ability to create positive changes and experience growth.

Self- Compassion

There are three central tenants to self-compassion. The first is kindness over judgement. This involves being kind even during times of suffering, failure, or feeling inadequate. It is recognizing that being imperfect and having challenges in life is inevitable. We cannot escape pain and we may not always get what we want. Common humanity vs isolation discusses how painful experiences are shared by all of humanity. It is something everyone must go through, rather than something that only happens to you alone. Lastly is mindfulness vs. over identification. Here, is a willingness to be with negative thoughts and emotions, as opposed to avoiding, suppressing, or denying them.

*If you’re looking for additional resources in this area, we strongly recommend Dr. Kristen Neff’s work. Her website offers self-guided activities and book suggestions to further enhance your skillset in this area (https://self-compassion.org/category/exercises/#guided-meditations)  

A Quick Exercise 

In-line with mindfulness and compassion is a practice called “loving kindness”. It is the intentional practice of extending well-wishes and gratitude to oneself and others. It can involve a short statement each morning to start your day, such as “May I be happy”, “May I find peace”. For others, it may be “May they flourish”, “May they be healthy”. There are also plenty of guided meditation practices online if generating these feels difficult at first. Many research studies have illustrated the positive impact that daily practice of this has on mood.

Last Reflections

The strategies above can be helpful ones in combatting negative self-talk and cultivating more self-compassion. However, further exploration in a therapy setting can provide additional insight into related life experiences that may have shaped your current belief system and attitudes about self. Known experiences that relate to this, often (but not always) include bullying/trauma, family dynamics, or related mental health conditions like anxiety or depression.