Healthy Communication

It should come as no surprise that healthy communication is the foundation of an effective working-relationship…whether its friends, colleagues, or in romantic relationships. However, there are many factors that can impact our ability to communicate effectively. Here we review some of these, in addition to some practical tips to improve your communication.

Challenges to Effective Communication:

Lack of skill

Where did you learn to communicate? Was it taught to you, or something you observed in others? Think about your family system and how thoughts/feelings/requests were shared…was it direct, passive, or aggressive? Expressed in a calm manner, or shouting/yelling? Sometimes we do not feel equipped to have conversations because we were not taught the skills to or have not had opportunities to practice these.

Myths about communication

Sometimes, it is our own beliefs about communication and understanding that get in the way of us being effective. Common examples include, “He should know how I feel”, “I shouldn’t have to ask”, or “If I express something I’ll be seen as needy”.

Strong emotions

Sometimes, accessing our skills becomes difficult when we are flooded with strong emotions. This could be during times of anger, sadness, or jealousy. We may then react from a place of emotion, instead of reason. This can potentially escalate the situation and lead to further unhealthy communication dynamics.

Unclear objective

Defining what you want out of a conversation is the first step. When we are unclear or can’t decide, we are left feeling indecision. Before responding, it can be helpful to reflect on what message you are wanting to communicate, or what request are you looking to make to the other person.

Benefits of Effective Communication:

Builds trust

When you and another are able to effectively communicate thoughts, feelings and needs, there is a level of trust that the other person is able to see and hear you. There is a sense of safety that the person will not respond with criticism or judgement.

Avoid misunderstanding

When you can clearly express things, it removes the guesswork and reduces the possibility of assumptions being made, misinterpreting statements or cues etc… Being able to actively listen and reflect back that you hear them, or that they hear you, can ensure you both feel on the same page. 

Resolve conflict with more ease

It is a misconception that healthy relationships do not have conflict. Conflict is inevitable…it is how you respond to conflict that is key. When you have helpful strategies, you are less likely to resort to responses such as shutting down, avoidance, criticism etc… which can fuel the conflict further.

Healthy Communication Tips:

Use “I” statements

When you begin your statement with “I” (such as I feel) reflects your feelings, perceptions, and experiences. When we use the word “you” it can convey blame or judgement and lead the other person to feel defensive.

Engage in active listening

This one sounds like it should be easy right? Active listening is a difficult skill however! This requires you to be fully present and listen to the content of what they’re saying. You might reflect back what you hear to ensure your understanding of the message, and refrain from jumping in to share your viewpoint or opposing ideas.

Be confident

Statements like “uh”, “maybe could you”, “I’m sorry to ask this but…” communicate hesitation. Also be mindful of your non-verbals and display body language that is confident in nature like direct eye contact or standing upright.

Don’t make assumptions

Whether you are making a request of another or sharing how you feel, be clear and direct. We cannot make assumptions that others know what we need or how we’re feeling. Others cannot read our minds.  

Know when to take a break

If you feel overwhelmed with strong emotions, it’s okay to take a break. Often, things are not that urgent that they need to be resolved right then and there. Allow yourself the opportunity to regulate with some coping skills, and then revisit the conversation. It is also helpful to honor the other person’s request to take a break.

Communication is a skill that takes patience and practice. Understanding your patterns of communication, and those of others in your life, is a helpful first step. When you can engage more skillfully in this area, it can help foster increased connection and understanding.